I Used To Be a “Nice Guy”

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I was having dinner and a drink last week with a beautiful and talented (I know she reads this blog and I’m not stupid) female friend. Over the course of the evening we talked about a variety of topics and at one point the conversation turned briefly to her recently-ended relationship.

She expressed that she ended it because he “wanted it too much” (the relationship, not it, ya pervert) and was too indecisive and pleasing. This, in turn, made her frustrated and act bitchy (her words). She pointed out that rather than calling her on being bitchy, he instead went with the “what did I do wrong?” approach.

So basically he acted like a pussy. I’ve never met this guy, so I don’t know what he’s like in every day life. As far as his approach to the relationship, though, that’s how he was acting.

Assuming he’s not just entirely a pussy, in which case the discussion is already over, the situation we have here is simple: He’s a “Nice Guy”. That’s how he identifies himself. He’s the same kind of guy who gets on message boards and complains to everyone how even though he’s “such a nice guy” girls won’t date him. His fall-back line is that women only go for the jerks and the nice guys like him get passed over.

That mantra is what he tells himself, and usually anyone that will listen, over and over again. It’s his justification, explanation, pacifier, and self-medication he uses to cry himself to sleep at night in his (lonely) bed while masturbating in his own tears. Day after day, he keeps going on waiting for some girl to realize how awesome he is.

Sometimes it happens. These guys occasionally do find someone. Even the blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes, as the saying goes. Then, despite being the “most awesome boyfriend ever”, he still can’t manage to keep things going. Either the woman drops him like a bad habit, gets tired of doing all of the heavy lifting in the relationship, is done with having him so far up her ass that she’s afraid to stop fast, or he’s just plain annoying. The other option is that he’s found the type of woman who preys on nice guys and is in for some serious disaster. Good luck to him in that case as heartbreak and wallet-suffering is sure to come.

I know exactly how this thought process works because I used to be a “Nice Guy”, too.

Then I finally realized that there is a difference between being a “Nice Guy”, and a “Good Guy”. A huge difference. The nice guy is so focused on pleasing someone that he has no identity. He exists in the relationship only try to make the other person happy, and in doing so puts all of the pressure on that other person.

I learned that women don’t like the nice guy who panders to their wishes, worships the ground that they walk on, and is desperate for any sign of their affection. If they want that, they’ll get a dog.

Most women I know want a man who is:

-Secure in his own sense of self.

-Focused and directed on goals or a direction.

-Aggressive enough to make things happen.

-Decisive when decisions are necessary.

-Willing and able to take other people into consideration, but not to the point of being detrimental to himself or his significant other.

That’s a “Good Guy”.

Some of this is evolutionary. The man who knows where he’s going, is going to get there, and sticks up for himself is far more likely to be a better provider and protector than one who’s always looking for direction and just aiming to please. One is a position of demonstrated strength and pack leadership while the other is a position of weakness and subservience. There’s a reason why the alpha male of the pack gets his pick of the females.

Smart. Honest. Direct. And not someone to fuck with.


Of course, things are a little different in our society now. Women can pretty much take care of themselves as well as men, and should. They don’t need a man around to make sure that they are warm, fed, and protected from sabertooth tigers. However, most women I know still don’t want to be in a relationship where they have to assume the leadership role all of the time. They want someone who can stand on his own two feet and demonstrates that.

Women are attracted to men who show strength of character, focus, and aggression. They want men who know what they want and are going to go get it. The “jerks” that most Nice Guys hate (because they tend to have an easier time attracting women) demonstrate these qualities. Sometimes these guys really are jerks. Sometimes they’re just good guys who’ve figured out that it’s time to be a man.

I like to think that I’m still a pretty good guy. I’m honest, relatively pleasant to be around, believe in treating people well, clear in my expectations, and I do my best to consider others. I’m just not as “nice” as I used to be.

What changed?

Lots. But to make it simple, there are three things I had to really get through my head and unless you want to (or continue to) be another miserable Nice Guy then you need to get these straight:

1. Realize that you have value. Pick-up Artists have this whole process for turning your mindset around so that “you’re the prize”. I’m not going to get into that whole Pick-up Artist thing. What I will say that if you don’t consider yourself to be a valuable commodity, then why would someone want to date you? I used to be confident in my daily life but then didn’t hold my personal value in my relationships. Dumb.

2. Bring your value to the table, and know the difference between being magnanimous and cheapening yourself. In one case, you’re doing something thoughtful and nice to show you care. In the other, you’re at her beck and call. Women appreciate nice gestures, but they stomp all over servants.

3. Be upfront and honest with your objectives and desires. Don’t be a douchebag. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t be dishonest with your intentions. I’m not telling you to just walk up, smack’em on the ass, and tell them to get their behind into the bedroom.

*****Although in the interest of transparency: I have a friend that pretty much used this as his SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) for a couple of years. He got laid constantly and eventually married to a model. So take my advice on that for what you will.*****

As I was saying… Don’t be a prick, but be straight-up. There’s something to be said for being friendly with a woman before asking them on a date, but the bottom line is that you, as a man, need to make your thoughts of the relationship very clear, very early. Don’t think for a second that a woman is going to suddenly decide “oh, he’s so nice and good to me… he must like me and we should date”. That shit happens once in a while, but there’s lots of Nice Guys masturbating in their own tears that are still waiting on her to wake up.

It all boils down to this: Don’t be a Nice Guy. Don’t be a Jerk. Be a freaking MAN. Know what you want and go freaking get it.





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February 7, 2011
March 27, 2011
February 25, 2013

Comments on I Used To Be a “Nice Guy” Leave a Comment

February 27, 2011

jingles @ 7:20 pm #

so why didn’t she tell him STRAIGHT UP that he wanted too much, was too indecisive and pleasing.

Instead of acting like a bitch and making him wonder the 10,000 reasons why she might be acting like a bitch. Thats not good communication in my opinion. Well i guess thats why it didn’t work out

February 28, 2011

Isaac @ 12:32 pm #

jingles:

Good question! Given that I happen to know a little bit about the situation… I have been under the impression that she’d had that particular discussion several times. It just didn’t take. Some guys who’ve really internalized the “I’m a Nice Guy” thing just don’t get it. They are so desperate to please that when (in this case) the girl tries having that discussion with them they just “yes” her to death like they do with everything else.

That being said, you’re dead on with the communication being the key.

Isaac

March 15, 2012

Justin @ 11:54 pm #

Good article Isaac, really good. Having been through this, *ahem* as the ‘Nice guy’ I will say Nice Guy syndrome is generally a cover for deeper seeded issues that the man isn’t or refuses to face. Rather than stare them eye to eye in an attempt to fix the issue it’s easier to make the excuse’s above for why you’re still alone. (Then again, it’s easier to make excuses to get out of doing anything that might suck like say…Turkish Get-Ups) There are various reasons men get to the point above but it doesn’t happen over night that’s for damn sure. Can any man overcome this? Absolutely. But it’s hard, damn hard (harder than a Turkish Get-Up in my opinion). They can’t do it because someone tells them too or because someone wants them too. This is one realization, we as men, must come to on our own before we can correct it.

March 19, 2012

Isaac @ 6:42 pm #

Justin,

Hey man. I’ll agree with you that it’s usually a cover for a lot of insecurities and that it’s also hard to overcome. You’ve hit it on the head with it being like all major mental changes, be it fat loss, giving up an addiction, or changing your lifestyle: It’s got to come from within.

Isaac

January 25, 2013

jack @ 6:12 am #

Well this is entirely subjective. An argument coming from the Darwinian point of view is weak, since we have the capacity to see beyond “life is all about competition” and you “must be assertive to get what you want”.

I think that a lot of people who claim that being a “nice guy” and delegating decisions to your friends and colleagues etc, is “cheapening” yourself, but at the end of the day I think a lot if not most of these people are just rationalizing their over-blown ego. Not that “cheapning oneself” should be any concern of others, unless it’s out of their own guilt for overselling themselves.

Just as there is no longer a fixed way for women to behave, I think it’s time to just grow up and to stop judging people for the values they hold.

February 25, 2013

Isaac @ 6:33 pm #

Jack,

Sorry it’s taken so long to respond.

You might want to re-read the post. In no place did I say that it was unacceptable to delegate some (or all, if that’s your bag) decisions. What I did say is to not allow other people to use you or to subvert one’s desires simply to please other people. If one honestly finds more pleasure in having others guide their decisions, then have at it.

Isaac

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