Fitness Myths: What I Learned In the Champagne Room


No matter what a stripper tells you, there’s NO sex in the champagne room.

As many very disappointed young men will tell you, Chris Rock’s words are pure, golden truth. I, of course, couldn’t tell you from experience or anything like that. I’ve only heard things… from people… and stuff.

Moving on… Another sad truth is that the fitness and supplement industry is very similar to the adult “recreational” industry. Both are full of lots of pretty and shiny things, airbrushing, augmentation, and false promises. And hell, both have midgets.

And remember, in both cases, despite what a stripper (fitness “expert”/supplement salesman) tells you, there’s no sex (results) in the Champagne Room.

Here are some fitness industry myths that have been chapping my ass lately because they just won’t seem to die and I see guys falling for them over and over again:

1. XXXX Supplement will make you huge/ripped/a sexual tyrannosaurus. The fitness industry has supported the supplement industry for years for no good reason. There are certainly some supplements out there that do what they’re supposed to do and that I advocate, but they’re pretty damn few and far between. They also tend to be the ones that don’t promise unbelievable results and are often ignored by most guys because they’re just not sexy enough. You know, like that plain, mousy girl at the library who shows up on time and would put up with a dump truck-load of your shit. Sexy? No. Good woman? Yep.

Strippers AND Supplements in one shot! My thesis is complete!

The bottom line is that you can’t out-supplement a shitty diet, bad genetics, or bullshit training. Since you can’t pick your parents and few guys ever max out their genetics anyway, we’ll throw that one out. If you’re not lining up your diet and putting that work into the gym then no supplement is going to get you the body or performance you’re looking for. No matter how much money you fork over, you still won’t get what you want. You will, on the other hand, pay for the stripper (supplement company owner)’s BMW, though.

I'll take two!

2. High reps are for getting lean, low reps are for gaining mass. Really? How often do you see this dumb shit? Some guy does his “low reps for mass” program while eating everything in sight and lo and behold, gets big (usually he gets fat, too). Then he decides he’s going to go on a “cutting” program where he does about 1000 reps of every sort of curl, sit-up, and shoulder raise in every combination of drop-set, strip-set, and forced rep scheme possible. Add in a starvation diet, consisting of mostly supplements (myth #1 rears its platinum-blond head) and he drops a ton of weight. The problem is that most of it is the muscle that he put on in the “low rep” phase. So now he’s still fat, only he’s not big anymore.


Look, you built that muscle mass by loading the muscle with more weight than it was used to handling. So it took the extra food you were giving it and got bigger. You know how kids start going to the weight room because they think that if they get big then the bully at school will stop beating them up every day? Well, it’s the same thing with your muscles (how’s that for fractalization?). You beat them up with bigger weights than they can handle and in turn they try to get bigger to withstand the punishment.

So suddenly you decide to start losing fat and what do you do? You stop challenging your muscles with heavy loads. Since all that muscle mass is metabolically expensive and you’re now starving, your body is quick to drop that muscle to help drop your caloric need. Your body doesn’t care about your guns. It does care that you stay alive.

Instead, think about this: As you diet (reasonably), focus on continuing to push the strength envelope. This will give your body a reason to hold onto your mass. No, you’re probably not going to gain strength as fast as when you were hitting the Asian buffet three times per week (don’t front, I’ve been there), but you can gain or maintain strength while dieting if you pay attention and put in the work. Plus, heavy loads result in something called myogenic tone, where your muscles are in an enhanced state of tone longer and thus will look more pumped. So you’ll look more like a beast as opposed to flat and weak.

3. You need to do your “cardio” to get in “shape”/condition. This one pisses me off to no end. It sort of goes in line with the whole “light weight for lean/heavy for mass” thought process. The human body responds best to an acute stimulus. Period. Yet we see over and again guys thinking that they need to get in shape through more and more treadmill walking, low-key cycling, etc. That works for a little while, but your body quickly adapts to the low-intensity stimulus and then you’re screwed.

I can’t tell you how often I get new prospects or clients who come to me saying they’re in “great shape” because they run/bike XX miles per day. Then they often struggle with my warm-up. They weren’t in great shape; they were just really well-practiced at riding a bike.

Obviously intensity is variable depending on your current ability and situation. If you’re truly out of shape and 300 pounds, then some treadmill walking is probably stressful enough for you to be considered “high-intensity”. Eventually it won’t be and you’re going to have to move on.

Study after study has been done to prove that high-intensity exercise trumps duration for conditioning purposes. So you know why people don’t do it? Because it’s hard. Crushing yourself with interval training, sprints, or some sort of conditioning activity is just plain brutal. “I Can Taste Blood In the Back of My Throat from My Sprints” is not a particularly marketable headline, while “Lose 30 pounds in 30 days While Sitting!” brings the fatties to the yard.

Toughen up, buttercup.

Which leads me into…

4. This shit is hard. This is the biggest truth that you’re usually lied to about in the fitness business. Losing fat is tough. Gaining muscle is tough. Increasing your pain tolerance to outlast your opponent’s crossface is tough. Getting fast as shit outta goose is tough. Everywhere I look I see ads for diet and fitness stuff with words like “RESULTS FAST!”, “EASY!”, and “EFFORTLESS!” You know those BowFlex commercials? I assure you that the models they use did not build their “BowFlex Body” with three simple workouts per week, 20 minutes per day, on a BowFlex. And hell, at least BowFlex has these people doing some sort of resistance training.

You want to look or perform at an extraordinary level? Then you’ve got to do extraordinary things.

How many of you have seen the movie Road Trip? Well, I have two favorite lines from that movie. Number one is “What did you do, skin a cheetah?” which doesn’t have much bearing on this discussion but is hysterical in context. The other one is when the character Rubin says: “It’s supposed to be a challenge, that’s why they call it a ‘shortcut’. If it was easy it would just be the way.” Internalize that and you’ll go far.

I’m sick of the hype. I’m sick of the bullshit. I’m here to make you bigger, stronger, faster, tougher, and more successful in life. I’m not here to blow some smoke up your ass and tell you that everything is going to be ok. Actually, you know what? Everything IS going to be ok… if you earn it and make it ok on YOUR terms. Now go have at it.

Comment below and tell me what myths piss you off in the fitness biz! Or what the heck, what myths piss you off in the “adult” biz, too!

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